Tajo Chronicles: A Reprise (Part 1)

Episode 1: Starfish and Snowman at the Movies

I can’t help but notice myself smiling as I hold on to the railings of the train. While my body moves along with every vibration, halts and motions of this silver carriage, I feel the beat of my heart racing as I come closer to my destination. I keep on telling myself to pull it together but anticipation floods over my being.  I feel my limbs trembling, beads of perspiration start to appear on my forehead as I stare on each sign that tells me I’m becoming one station closer to where you are. They are like pale ominous signs of impending doom, ghostly and eerie; but in this case I remind myself that they are bringers of something good. Those station signs bring me closer to you. My tall, thin frame gets squished and shoved by the numerous passengers boarding and getting off the train but I don’t care. I just keep my stare focused on those ethereal plastic signs. At this very instance nothing else matters:  just you, me and those signs.

A small pop up suddenly appeared on my computer screen telling me I have one private message. That annoyed me a bit, as I was in the zone at that moment; posting replies on the numerous threads that cater to my “kind”. Eversince I “officially” came out, I joined an online forum that’s designed for men like me. I love posting on forums and expressing my ideas; and having found something like this, where I can maintain my anonymity and be true to myself was like having my own personal haven.  I can be me without having to worry about the judgmental looks of the people around me while showing who I truly am. I was surrounded by my own kind. I was free.

 I clicked on the link that would bring me to my messages. Since no other people message me in private, it didn’t take long for me to scroll down and find that annoying message that ruined my zen-like focus.  I somehow managed a quizzical look as I saw your name as the sender.

It took me half an hour to get to the station I needed.  I slither my way out amidst the people that cramped the train during rush hour. I look at these nameless faces. Some look tired and others look sweaty and exhausted from an honest day’s work.You can tell by their expressions that they are in a hurry to get home. Their day is just about to come to an end, I thought, but mine is just beginning. As I get off the station I look at the sky above me, it's perfect. The night is a vast, cloudless ebony mantel that gives a clear view of the stars which look like holes emanating the lights of heaven. Weirdly enough, the moon is shy to let everybody see its incandescent glow tonight. I feel the cold night breeze kiss my skin, sweet kisses that tickle as they temporarily relieve me from the cruel summer heat. I close my eyes as I remind myself why I am here and why this night is important. I let out a long, deep sigh as I begin to walk my way towards your direction.

Little did I know that that annoying little message would be the start of our ride. I have noticed you before in the forum as your name appears every so often in the chatbox or in the threads. I have never really given you much of a thought but I started to notice your replies on the things I said, sometimes even complementing my thoughts, at times asking follow-up questions. I started to notice that you have a curious and agile mind as well. Little by little, I came to know you, on your responses on certain things and to certain people. 
Then...you called my name and singled me out among the many anonymous posters and characters on the site. You called MY name and talked to me, not with me but TO me.

I tread to the direction where we agreed to meet, a mall just a few walks away from the station where I got off.  I have to remind myself how to get there as I have always been bad with directions. I told you I have no navigation skills whatsoever, but I agreed to meet you there anyway. And as if like a miracle, my feet know exactly where they're supposed to go. My steps become faster, almost running, and I can feel my breathing going faster along with it. I’m being drawn closer to you and to where you are, almost automatically. Like an unwilling magnet I am drawn towards you. In the distance, the place appears to be larger and larger as I come closer. A big vertical silhouette is becoming more and more detailed as I approach it, it's almost intimidating. People seem to flock it like moths to a flame, unknowing moths plunging to their death. And just like the moths I am approaching this very flame-but I know it will not harm me. I will not die, at least not tonight. Inside the fire is someone I need to be with, hence this will be my home. This is where we will meet. Just a few more steps I surmised, and I would be with you,

finally...

tonight.

First were the necessary pleasantries but we got rid of them almost immediately. It was an unspoken rule that things like these should always start with cordial greetings. Once those were out of the way, then came a series of intense conversations: stories about our pasts, our dreams, our frustrations in life. You would tell me about the horrors of your past relationships, I would tell you about my future ideal ones. You would search for my theories on certain things and I would listen to you talk about your experiences... for you have a lot. When you asked me questions I felt the intent look of eyes, as they burned through my gaze-as if someone was searching for my soul. We would spend hours and hours talking about everything about anything, there were feisty debates coupled with comfortable silences. Ironic that when we talked, time froze, as if we are the only two people captured in that very moment; yet time went by so swiftly without both of us noticing. 
Until these talks grew deeper, more serious and more intense. Until these conversations sort of became a routine both us enjoyed, like a vicious cycle we have grown accustomed to. Anxiety is built when we fail to converse in a day. You were becoming my habit and I was becoming yours.  The decade age difference did not matter, for we met half-way; you met me on an intellectual level. I met you on an emotional plane. You were a REAL person.

And then one random night, in the thick of discussing the possibility of extra-terrestrial life you confessed something.

After what seemed to be the longest five minutes of my entire life, I manage to get to the place where we agreed to meet. We agreed to meet at the cinema as I suggested that we watch a movie. I told you I haven't eaten buttery popcorn for the longest time and I want to taste it again. You obliged to what I wanted, as you always did. Going inside the establishment, I can hear the buzzing of people going about their respective nights: incoherent chatters, loud promotional music from the stalls, strangers laughing. I try to silence them in my mind until all these noises are reduced to murmurs of words...until all I hear are my footsteps touching the marble floor. As I look up, the neon signs of the numerous stalls suggest a festive mood and they seem to uplift my spirits as I approach the movie house.  A lot of good films are being shown right now but we agreed that we would just pick out the movie once we are both there. I never really care about what movie to watch anyway, as long as I get the chance to spend at least a couple of hours with you, and the chance to eat buttery popcorn.
A voice inside my head keeps on whispering that tonight is going to be the night. Tonight is going to be OUR night and as my head wraps around the thought, I give out an impish grin.

You said you liked me...and that you wanted to build a romantic relationship.  I was caught off-guard, and it took at least a minute for my mind to decipher what you meant. You.liked.me. I kept replaying the words in my head to try make sense out of it. I remember how totally speechless I was but my chest was pounding so hard as you said those words. I didn’t know what to say back. A plethora of things came to mind...
but I knew... 

As I stand across a movie poster showing actors I barely even know, I feel someone touch my back.
 I turn around to look at a familiar face.
I smile.

I knew I like you too.

To be continued...