Note to God

Dear God,

I don't even know how to begin. I must say first of all that I'm sorry that I haven't spoken to you in a very long time. I can't even remember the last time I said a prayer or dare mention Your name. And when I do mention it, it's always in an angry voice or in a cuss word. I know it's wrong and for that God, I'm greatly sorry. I really am.

I'm very ashamed to admit that I can't even remember the last time I said something nice to you. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I said something about you. I guess when I got older I became independent. I realize that I can do whatever I want. I can believe in anything I want. I began to realize that P did not need You in my life. Because things happened in the way I never wanted them  to be, I forgot about you. Or maybe, I chose to forget about You. I thought that praying and believing in a God was some sort human weakness. Logic and reason thought me that I have to deal with things on my own. I thought praying was like admitting that we are weak to handle things on our own and praying was like asking someone to do things for us. I thought that idea was kinda stupid since we as human beings should be able to do things on our own. But now I know that, that too is stupid, because You were here first. You are everything.


I know there is no excuse for what I did and You should have every right to not take me back in, but I know You won't do that...because when a wayward son loses his way, as father You rejoice when he finds his way back to You. I'm in one way or another, like one of your prodigal sons. Having thought of taking on the whole world with what little he has, he sets out and loses everything. He questions himself and he goes back to his father. I thought I can take on the world. I thought I knew everything but I realize now that I don't. I don't know anything. I don't know what to do Lord. I'm lost. And just like a lost son I'm coming back to You to give me my life's instructions.


I have to admit though that I have to do this one day a time. As you know, I'm bad with big drastic changes. But I do admit now that I need your help and that's what's important. I can't do this on my own. I know I have to find my back into You one step at time. It won't happen over night I'm sure but I'm willing to take the journey back into Your purpose no matter how long it takes. I believe that with Your instructions I'll be able to live not MY life but A life.


So I guess all I want to say in this Lord is I'm sorry. I'm sorry Lord for not talking to You for years, for putting You and my faith in the background. I've done things I'm not proud of but I'm sure You already know that. I promise to keep You in my life from now until You take it.


Your wayward son,
AL

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life...You cant describe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, thats all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence. There are no miracles. There is no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be..."--- (500) Days of Summer.

Friendster No More

So today I decided to delete my old friendster account. I think the reason why I did it is because of my oh-so-futile attempt to keep things in my life in order, which started on the decision to keep only one social networking site. (I've deleted my old mutliply account too days ago but migrated all my blognotes on this site) It's been pretty much inactive (my FS account)  for a several months now and the last update I made was on October 2009. I have to admit deleting the old thing was not as easy as I thought it would be. I hate being too sentimental on even the tiniest things. I admit that I do have a hard time letting things go, especially those I consider sentimentally valuable because I've had them for years. I've been debating and putting off the idea of deleting my friendster account for a few days now, not because I still think it's cool but because of the sentimental value it had. I'd been a member of that site since November 2003, back when I was in my first year at college, back when it was the coolest thing ever, and back when it was the only social networking website available in the country. I was there when it started. It was my friend Paul who invited me to join.I think I had 250+ friends on that account: almost all of my college friends, highschool classmates and some nice people I've met online.  Let's face it, most people now are using facebook and eversince friendster changed its layout to look more like FB, it's been pretty much a drag, I liked FS more when it was simpler, more user friendly and less like a hybrid of FB and twitter. I liked it better when it looked like this

before it became this monstrosity

So alas, with a heavy heart I decided to delete my account of 6 years. I guess people have to find me in facebook now (and vice-versa). I wish there was a way to keep my old testimonials though, there were some very nice things that people said about me there.  Oh well, I guess it's time for me to embrace change.


FRIENDSTER IS SOOOOO LAST MILLENIA
FRIENDSTER NO MORE.

If I Am by Nine Days

Okay, so I can't get this song out of my head and it's really a bad case of LSS (Last Song Syndrome). The good thing is it's a good song and even if I sing this all day long I know no one's gonna laugh at me for singing a cheesy song. Believe me, I had a bad case of LSS with Leah Salonga and Brad Kane's We Could Be In Love and it took me two weeks to get it completely out of my system (they might laugh at my horrible voice though, but that's another story). I'm not going to pretend I'm a diehard hard core fan of this band since they became popular during the time I was singing along the tunes of high school pop but I do like some of their stuff. My brother has always been the one who listens to alternative or rock music and because we shared a room, and because I had no choice but to listen when he plays these kinds of songs, I subconsciously adapt a liking for some the music he listens to. Mainly, he's responsible for the part of me who likes rock, noisy and alternative music. One of band the always plays on his playlist is Nine Days which came into popularity during the early 2000's (according to trusty wikipedia). I only know two of their songs that hit the mainstream airwaves, the first song is "Absolute (Story of a Girl)" which is an awesome yet overplayed song and the other one is "If I Am" which has the lyrics written below.

"If I Am"

by Nine Days

So your standing on a ledge,

It looks like you might fall

So far down,

Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.

Now you could have it all,

If you learned a little patience!

For though I cannot fly,

I'm not content to crawl!...

So give me a little credit,

Have in me a little faith!

I want to be with you forever,

If tomorrow's not too late!...

And it's always too late when you've got nothing

So you say!...

But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,

Before the sun rises today...

CHORUS:

IF I AM!

Another waste of everything you dreamed of,

I will let you down...

IF I AM!

Only here to watch you as you suffer,

I will let you down...

So your walking on the edge,

And you wait your turn to fall.

But you're so far gone,

That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you.

And you could find the fault,

In the heart that you've been handed!

For though you cannot fly,

You're not content to crawl!...

And it's always too late when you've got nothing

So you say!...

But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,

Before the sun rises...

IF I AM!

Another waste of everything you hoped for,

I will let you down...

IF I AM!

Only here to watch you as you suffer,

I will let you down...

So you're standing on a ledge,

It looks like you might fall...

IF I AM!

Another waste of everything you dreamed of,

I will let you down...

IF I AM!

Only here to watch you as you suffer,

I will let you down...

The answers we find,

Are never what we had in mind.

So we make it up as we go along...

You don't talk of dreams

I won't mention tomorrow.

And we won't make those promises that we can't keep...

I will never leave you!

I will not let you down!

I will never leave you!

I will not let you down!

I always play this on my cellphone playlist but it's only recently that I really (I mean really) like this song. The music video's cool too. It's not flashy (Adam Lambert I'm talking to you!) or trying-hard to be deep type of video; it just shows the band playing and the lead vocalist singing the verses to a girl who's oblivious to him as if she doesn't see him.  I decided to take the lyrics of the song and decipher the meaning behind it, or at least what i think is the meaning of the song for me.

The song is about a guy who is so in love with this cynical girl who is having hard time trusting people, or trusting guys with her heart. The girl is also thinking about giving up on love as the guys says in the opening  lyrics:"So your standing on a ledge, It looks like you might fall So far down, Or maybe you were thinking about jumping."  And this guy is trying to convince the girl to at least give him a shot and prove his worth to her. Admittingly, the guy tells the girl that he might not offer more than what her previous relationships have already given her in terms of money, security or looks but even if he's just an average-joe he thinks that he is worthy of her feelings as what  he says in the following lines "For though I cannot fly, I'm not content to crawl!." The girl obviously doesn't want to entertain the guy wooing over her but this resilient guy is asking her to please reconsider and give him a chance of proving himself before shutting him completely out of her life as what the lines "But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow, Before the sun rises..." tell us. These lines are also a reminder for all of us to not let something end before even giving it a chance to even begin. I really love the lyrics of the chorus as the lines are so simple yet the message is so strong and brutally honest. In the chorus the guy says "If I am another waste of everything you dreamed of, I will let you down...If I am only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down..." which means that even if the girl thinks that he is just waiting his time for her she is absolutely wrong! If you read the lines its like the guy is telling the girl upfront "Look, I know you're thinking I'm just another jerk who will hurt you in the end , but you're absolutely wrong. I'm different. I care..." The second verse of the song solidifies and supports the image of the girl portrayed in the first stanza as being someone who finds it hard to trust people, ("And you could find the fault, In the heart that you've been handed!") probably because of  a traumatic relationship in the past. The guy tells the girl that because she shuts everyone out of her life she doesn't see the people around her who try to reach out and who really care about her ("But you're so far gone,That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you."). The song ends with the guy telling the girl that if only given the chance, he will prove her wrong and he will be the one to stick by her in until the end. ("I will never leave you! I will not let you down!" )

The final lines of the song tell us that oftentimes, as people we look for someone who is the perfect match for us and most often than not later on in the relationship we realize that we don't see ALL that we're looking for on the person we end up being with ("The answers we find, are never what we had in mind."). In turn, if we don't see a particular trait on that person we break up with them and as consequence we look for that particular quality on our next relationship. This cycle continues until eventually we make up this long list of unrealistic traits that we look for in a person which makes it difficult for us to give our hearts to someone if we deem that he/she lacks that something we are looking for. But we should all learn that no one is near being perfect. We all have flaws, and the right person to choose is that person who will gladly accept those flaws. This song is also a constant reminder to all of us, that even if we feel all alone there is still someone out there who cares, we just don't know it.

One Fine (Itchy) Afternoon

Wow. I have forgotten that this blog even existed and it's cool to read back stuff i have wrote some 3 years ago. I could never keep a blog active, wonder why. Having been infested with the varciella zoster virus for almost a week now opened new doors of boredom in me and once again i find myself writing.

I just got my pay check today, and surprisingly enough (not!) it's kinda lower than what i expected. i know that when i agreed to take on this job that the pay would be lower than what i used to earn plus three times the stress levels. i know it's too late to complain now since i just signed my regularization papers for the company before i got sick with chickenpox. the only things that are keeping me from resigning is the location of the company (which only takes me less than an hour to commute and from my side of the eqautor that's a short trip) and the nearness of chill spots (when i say chill spots i mean drinking spots), and my friends, and also the fact that i need a job.

I suddenly remembered that when I was in second year high school, our class made a promise that we will hold a reunion on October 26 2010, exactly 10 years from being a sophomore and exchange stories of how our lives would turn out. i have never given it much thought about what i would become 10 years from that date, but all i know was i was going to be successful. Everyone expected me to become succesful including me, being the nice, responsible, hard working and intelligent young man that I was back then. I imagined myself to be a doctor or a succesful businessman slash writer. I used to think I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up. But today is 2010 and 10 years have passed since I was that same person. Here I am, at home, sick from the chicken pox, working in a call-center and wondering how he can budget his measly sallary. Hardly, the "success" I imagined myself to be in. But what does "success" really mean to me? to all of us? Can I consider myself successful?

I honestly don't know...

R.A. para sa'yo.

i watch you go down the drain and beat yourself up for some freaking a*hole and what probably hurts most is the fact that i can't help you with it, because you have to learn. you have to learn to stand by your decisions. i want you to grow. that's how much you mean to me. you might call it being insensitive, but it's not. you probably think that i don't care much when you tell me about how he is hurting you. Well let me tell you  that's a lot of crap. Do you think i enjoy seeing you cry? Do you even know how much it tortures me knowing that i can't help you or i'm not there when he leaves and makes you feel worthless?