Tampo

Recently, a number of my close friends are wondering if I’m angry at them or if I harbour a sort of tampo. Seeing as how far we live from each other and how busy their schedules are, we maintain a Facebook group where we normally interact everyday. I usually comment to each and every post that they have there. Be it an interesting newspaper article that we read, a Kpop video that we unnecessarily critique or just some random gossip that we pick out from anywhere. And I also flood our group with my equal share of nonsense. But since Tuesday last week, I haven’t replied to any of their posts or comments. Since naturally they’re my friends, I reply to them when they post on my wall, yet I don’t comment on their statuses or on our Facebook group, even if they tag me. And since there are only 6 of us there and most of them are busy with work, it looks like the group was suddenly alienated.

Tampo, as defined by trusty wikipedia

It started Monday last week, with Mideo Cruz’s controversial exhibit in CCP.  Ivy told us about it and we decided to check it out to see what the fuss is all about. Since we sense that the pitchfork-bearing CBCP will come barging into CCP and demand for the ‘blasphemous’ exhibit to be taken down anytime soon, we decided to see it the following day (eventually, it got taken down before it ended its play date thanks to Imelda Marcos). Seeing as Ivy has got to work and the exhibit isn’t available after dark, we decided to meet at around 9:00 AM for her to have time to still be at the office before lunch time. And because two of my other friends are experiencing their own brand of drama, with Gem about an ill-fated love affair and Divine with her never-ending master’s thesis, sharing a laugh or two didn’t seem such a bad idea. I also promised Divine to help her with her thesis problem. So everything was set. I was expecting another fun day with them as what we usually have when we get together. Call time was 9:30 AM, Vito Cruz. That was the last my last FB post regarding the topic.

Now in the span of seven years of knowing each other (we’ve been friends since sophomore college), we sort of know each other’s flaws and behavioural patterns when it comes to hang-outs like these. If you have been close with people long enough, you develop a habit of accurately predicting them. For one, none of us are morning persons so meeting when the sun is high and mighty was a long shot. But we agreed on it. And call time is always done in Filipino time. Whenever we meet, I’m almost always the first one to arrive, not that I’m complaining. And sometimes, there is this gut feeling that you have which will tell you if the others will show up or not. And that particular trip to CCP had one of those gut feelings that I was going to be a one-man show.

As expected none of them came. I texted them at around 6 AM to check, no response. I figured that they might have still be sleeping so that was OK. I figured that they certainly would read the message I sent them. And I expected them to reply. At around 9:00 AM, Gem texted me and said that she just woke up. She asked if the others were with me and I said that they haven’t texted and replied back in FB yet. Since I was really decided to see the exhibit and sensing that the others will be a no-show, I replied back and told her that I would be going alone. I did eventually, only to find out that the exhibit got taken down and never to be seen again. Thank you CBCP. Snark.

After that disappointing trip, I went straight home. I was tempted to go to the National Museum and cross it out from my 2011 checklist but it was scorching hot that day and I figured that I was broke anyway so I went home. When I got back, there was still no response from Ivy and Divine. Nikki and Gem texted me, asking where I was and I told them that I was already back at my house. At that point, I started to get really pissed. One, because I wasted all that effort for nothing and two, since I got stood up again by my friends. They never replied to my texts or on FB that day explaining why they couldn’t make it. And that pissed me off a bit more. Okay, probably not pissed (it’s such a strong word). Well Divine replied in FB later that evening and somewhat gave a general ‘apology’ for not replying.  But I just couldn’t accept that.

Although people tell me I’m naturally a friendly guy, I honestly think I’m not. But I don’t consider myself an introvert either. I certainly don’t think I’m picky when it comes to befriending people. It’s just that not a lot of people really get me. I get most people and I can easily get along with them. But the opposite seems to be proven a lot more difficult. So I treasure the very few close friends that I have because they get the real score and I can easily be myself when I’m around them.

In a nutshell, it sounds petty. I know that. And having tampo is so high school and unbecoming for a twenty-five year old guy like me. And it’s stupid to feel this way to my friends whom I’ve known for 7 years. But the thing is, this is not the first time it has happened.

This made me think how I treat friends and what I think about my friendship dynamics. There are times that I think I care too much. Overly and even unnecessary. It may sound narcissistic but that’s how I feel really. I stick my nose where it doesn’t belong. I often give unsolicited advice. I offer help even when no one asks. But that’s how friends should be right?  I think I’m too emotionally-invested when it comes maintaining my social circles.

The problem of over giving and over-investing (or the feeling of over giving and over-investing) creates another dilemma for me. I subconsciously tend to expect too much from my friends. Since you feel you give much, you develop a thinking that reciprocity and common courtesy should be practiced. That’s the ideal thing: I scratch your back and you scratch mine. But then again life and relations are far from ideal. There are times when people can’t meet what you set for them and they end up disappointing you. And this creates an ugly ugly state of mind because: one, you treat friendship as a commodity-based type of relationship where you expect something in return for all your efforts and two, if your expectations aren’t met, you think your friends are at fault. And as all of us know this is not the basis of a solid friendship. Hence in the end, you end up feeling like a  bad friend.

So I’m distancing myself from them for a few days now. They have been constantly dropping hints  that one of us is making tampo. Gem has been texting me asking what’s wrong. They’re posting on my wall asking if I have a problem. The thing is I don’t know if I’m still angry at them or to myself more for having these sentiments towards the people I consider my real friends. I know I'm being oversensitive but until I sort these feelings out for myself, it’s best to not talk to them for a while. 

I know I'll get out of this rut soon but having some alone time would be better.
For now.