Are We Destined To Be Alone?

Is my kind destined to be alone?

The Million Dollar Question

A forum question in PG4M posted this a few days back.  Having been recently singled (again) this got me thinking about the future. Should I have any reason to panic?

I don’t think so.

Of course, when the poster said our kind, he obviously meant the entire homosexual populace. The gays and the baklas. First off, to say our kind sounds rather overly encompassing. It puts people in the small box of strict gender stereotypes. I frown in distaste whenever I hear people use that term. Our kind as opposed to what, Martians? For me, our kind, is the humankind. When will people stop using labels to define their core humanity? Yes, our kind is undeniably gay but we are also Filipinos, musicians, street vendors, athletes. While gay, some of us are also businessmen, stoics, atheists, fathers and so on. So using the word our kind is rather limiting to define people, especially gay ones. A gay man is not just a gay man. He doesn't like to just suck cock. Yes he does that (with great pleasure if I may add), but it is not the only definition of who he is. It’s just a small subpart of him as an individual. After all, our identity as a person, be it gay or straight, is made up of several complex ones.  We are not just one person, one trait, one feeling but we are the product of many, being lived out on a single human being.

Honestly, I find the mentality of our kind as being destined and meant to die alone so bleak and desolate. It’s depressing and rather conclusively unhopeful. And to hear that coming from a person who shares something with me as my sexual orientation is even more depressing. Are we really born to be perpetually single?

This line of thinking about a dictatorial destiny gives the idea that humans have a strict, rigid, straight path that they have to follow once they’re born. It makes the life that we know as a life with no options and if you are a homosexual, by virtue of law of the universe you will die alone. If you're gay, then it sucks to be you (pun unintended). But life as we know it is far from that. This makes destiny a concept that governs us and our overall course of life no matter what action we take. To me that’s just silly. Destiny, if there is one, is what you make of it. We govern it. The course of your life is determined by the choices you make and the actions you take. Nobody is destined to be a doctor, or a lawyer or a husband, he chooses to be like one. What makes being in a long-term relationship any different? After all it's also a human endeavor. Although these are influenced by a lot of factors like family, career and even sometimes genetic predispositions, in the end it still depends on one’s decision if he wants to do a certain action or be a certain someone. If you choose to have a partner, then you will...eventually. If you choose to be alone, then you will be.

If my kind is meant to die alone, then I guess the passing of the same-sex marriage bill in New York is rather pointless. After all, it is ‘til death do us part and as long as we both shall live isn’t it? Then why do a lot of queers still flock the city council and get married anyway? Don’t they know that our kind is meant to grow old alone and die in bitter solitude? It is because they choose to believe in marriage, in ‘til death do us part. They chose to believe in love and live on it. If you think that you’re going to spend your lifetime alone, then you are conditioning yourself to live like that. You are submitting to the thought that it becomes a viable option for you to take. You subconsciously accept it. It becomes your decision. If you give up and resign yourself to the fact that you will die all alone in your apartment filled with cat litter and dog food, then most probably, you will.

It may be true that there are gay people out there who grow old (and have died) all alone. But same goes with heterosexual individuals. While I’m not trying to say that they did not make an effort to find meaningful relationships, unfortunately it just didn’t happen to them. Who knows what might have happened? It may be caused by a lot of things: differences in personalities, arguing opinions, irreconcilable values, sexual incompatibilities. Their careers or families might have been against it. Or the relationship just didn’t seem to fit. Maybe they chose to be like that for all we know. And all of these depend on the person involved. A lot of key factors come into play when it comes to relationships, or the lack of, which ultimately depends on the individual, not their sexual preference.

Reasoning that one will die alone on the sole basis of his or her gender preference is absurd. It’s like saying that a murderer killed someone because he is a guy, or a baby girl will automatically grow up to be a mother. A lot of things in our lives are products of a number of choices we make and that includes being in a relationship or not. True that since homosexuality is still not as openly accepted in other cultures, it is rather hard for gay people to exercise and express their freedom to love which leaves them in the shadows. But there are still homosexual couples who make it work. If you’re already in a relationship and if you believe that it's for keeps, you make an effort to make it like that. If you’re single and if you choose to believe that you’ll find a partner who will love you ‘til you grow old, then you make a decision to search and be open for it.

It may sound too idealistic and too naive for some, but that’s certainly how I see it. Meaningful and long-term relationships are not strictly for straight people. 

Happily-ever-afters exist not just in heterosexual fairy tales, as proven by the people below.

Phyllis Siegel, 76, right, kisses her spouse, Connie Kopelov, 84, after exchanging vows at the Manhattan City Clerk's office on the first day New York State's Marriage Equality Act went into effect, July 24, 2011. They were the first to marry on that day.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg (center) officiates the marriage of John Feinblatt (right) and Jonathan Mintz while their daughters watch. The longtime partners work at City Hall for Mayor Bloomberg.

Photo credits: www.life.com