Today, a friend’s post in her Facebook made me think a lot of things about moving on.
I wonder why it’s so easy for others to tell their friends to move on. I admit that before, I used to be one of those people who would just throw the phrase “Time to move on” too easily. Whenever a friend would cry her (or sometimes his) heart out to me about something lost or an ill-fated relationship, I was always ready to say my canned best friend response. Time to let go. Forget about it. Move on. I never gave it much thought, really. To my mind, I know it is right to say in a situation like that and as a friend I have to say that to whoever it is that needs consoling. But after being in the same situation, now I realize that saying and knowing the meaning behind the phrase “move on” are two very different things.
One of the hardest questions I’ve asked myself so far is, how do I move on?
It’s kind of interesting that I’ve started my question with the adverb how and not why. I realized that how do and why do are emotionally different. I use the two interchangeably too often that I forget what they really mean. And in this situation, how takes precedence over the other. Why? Because we need to move on. I can’t put enough emphasis on that. We need to move on. It’s not a question as to finding purpose or utility in moving on but more of an acceptance that things are already done and we need to get going again in our lives. Because no matter how we look at it, it’s pointless to stay stagnant in the same frame of mind forever. Choosing to be in a state of constant denial will keep you from growing. It will hinder you from experiencing other emotions, good and ugly, this life has to offer. You're going to miss out on so much. Wallowing in the past will never bring out any good and it will only make you suffer more. As what I have realized before, the world will and shall continue to move on even if you don’t want to. So why fight it?
I also avoided using can in that question since technically I can move on. Everyone has the ability to move on. The great thing about feeling loss is how it also brings compassion to even the most cynic among us, like what happened in my case. It makes us feel emotions on a whole different range. Be it a small loss like the end of a relationship or a big one like death, it makes us feel emotions with gravity and with such depth. A loss is still a loss no matter how we see it. A part of our life has been taken away from us and so we feel incomplete. But as I have experienced it, the grief that this brings us also makes us feel human to the point that we think with absolute clarity. And this clarity helps us find the answers that we are looking for.
So back to the bigger question. How does one move on?
After hearing stories from different people, I realized that there is no easiest or fastest way to do it. To be honest, there is no foolproof way either. Everyone experience loss in some way. But since no two people are alike, nobody experience it the same way as the other. In the same sense, no two people have the same moving on process because we have different coping mechanisms. Our situations may have some striking similarities from the outside, both got dumped, cheated on, and so on. But no one can tell exactly if the emotions, thoughts or even the intentions of the parties involved that led to one leaving the other, are the same. Again, no two people are alike. We deal with loss our own way. We move on on our own time. Our own pace. And my way of moving on will differ from yours. No matter how different our coping mechanisms are, what we all have in common is the need to let go and move on from something that is lost but instead of asking people, you should ask yourself, how do YOU move on?
I also realized that the bigger part of the moving on process happens in the mind. Unless we come to accept the fact that things are really over we can’t move forward. Usually, the thing that gets broken in failed relationships is our ego. But self-esteem, no matter how damaged can be mended. You just have to make an effort to do it for yourself. And I also realized that no matter how I surround myself with the support of my friends, I had to deal with this on my own. No amount of encouragement or booze can heal this but me. After my relationship ended, I doubted myself. I felt so ugly. But I mended myself because I realized I needed to. And no matter how we delude ourselves into thinking that we have moved on, without proper closure, we’re back to square one. We just keep going in an endless cycle of denial. And like moving on, closure is relative. But the common denominator among these is the need to say your piece. Being honest to your self brings closure. You can’t get a proper move on by leaving an unfinished business behind. So whatever it is that you think will close your previous chapter, do it. Be it telling your ex what you really feel, getting your things back, whatever, shout obscenities, just do it.
Now, when I hear people telling their friends to move on, I wonder if they have some sort of merit to give such advice. Have they moved on, really? But I realized that it really doesn’t matter if they have some experience to back it up. Truth is they’re right. We all have to move on at some point.
Moving on is certainly one of the hardest things to do in this life, but it’s not impossible.
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