Counting Sheeps

Five in the morning and wide awake.

Enveloped in darkness.

Small drops of rain outside yet no breeze.

None today. 

None tonight.

It is as humid as with the afternoon sun.

I perspire.

The gentle ramblings of the fan, steady and soothing,

as it kisses the heat off my moist skin.

In the still blackness I see nothing

Insomnia

I want to close my eyes

and fall into a deep slumber.

Yet your far voice whispers

in my ears.

The way you laugh when I kiss you,

your moans

how you say my name,

so forceful.

Haunting

as if you never wanted to let me go.

I remember how you smell,

the taste of your neck, your chest

Intoxicating and delusional.

Wild.

I want to close my eyes

and fall into a deep slumber.

Yet I feel the ghost of your hands touch mine

locking my body,

into an embrace I used to remember.

In the dark

your warm moist breathing in my ear,

the rise and fall of your body

your heartbeat.

Your fire revisits me at night.

I want to close my eyes

and fall into a deep slumber.

But my touch

tongue, soul

searches for the contours which are yours.

My warmth searches for your warmth.

I see you. Here. Now.

Yet I cannot hold you.

Nothing but a mere shadow.

Walls.

Distance.

Our bodies lay next to each other,

both devoid of passion.

Both trying so hard.

I want to close my eyes

and fall into a deep slumber.

Go back to a time, to our time,

 to our sanctuary

where I am yours alone.

Bring me back the memories you promised.

Make me feel

alive.

Loved.

But you are gone.

Tajo: The Beginning

It’s hard to admit that I might be falling,

since I have long resigned to the thought

that I am complete 

on my own

without anyone’s help.

Yet here I am,
waiting for you to come alive,

and eager to hear what you will say 

about the randomness I’ll ask;

or how you’ll complement my thoughts

and make me realize how much I have to learn.

Who knew a somewhat similar soul exists

whom I’ll be able to share
even the most mundane of things?

Day dreams,
they prophesied you're not supposed to happen yet,
not until in my distant years

when everything is perfect,
and steady and constant

when I am ready.

Yet here you are,

now,

amidst all the imperfections in my world,

ready to pursue an endeavour I deem futile.

How long has it been?

For the both of us?

Can we still remember what it used to feel?

Are you healed? Am I ready?

Is this right?

Is this going to be worth it?

I guess we’ll never find out unless we try...

Self-restraint,
I think I've had enough.

Let’s see where this road takes us.

Self-Mockery

Self Mockery
This was my last post on friendsterblogs.com. it was posted on October 14, 2007

Self Mockery
after suffering from intrcrannial hemorrhage yesterday (i mean two days ago) about sterols and t-RNA i decided to let the weekend pass by like a breeze. i decided not to review (surprise surprise) for my finals week. besides, i have Monday (today) to cram for my Pharm42 finals. i really don't know what's gonna happen with my ACADS, ha! bahala na...

after countlesss hours of surfing the net and unnumbered hours of boredom i decided to type my name as search queery in Google. and to my surprise, i actually found out some sites which contain my name. i checked them out and saw my early poetries (if you'll call them that) some years ago. i decided to post some of them here. better to see them here (first hand source hehehe). i must warn you though, i have written these poems x years ago and they're very very very CHEESY and GOOUEY (the melted motzarella type). they're lousy in terms of words and they have no coherence or cohesion or whatever literary jargon writers use. i'm not a good writer i admit. i think i wrote these during my "getting-over-of-something-that-NEVER-REALLY-DID-happen-stage". they're full of grammatical errors that they would make a copy-reader a hell lot'a money.


dear reader, you have been warned:

In His Shoes
By: Al Argañoza
and i'd give anything just to be in his place

just to be the arms that hold you

the eyes you stare at or the name you call your own

how lucky is he who share your heart

who holds your half

the one you look forward to everyday 
he who walks you home

i wish i could be the one
that kisses your hurt away

or the one who tucks you at night

the man you spend your dreams with

how i long to be the one who saves you

and the one you wish upon the night

i'd give anything just to step out of his shadow

this perfect soul i could never be
i wish for once that i could be special
so someday i could see myself in your eyes...

About this poem:
this is one of my favorite poems...i wrote it months after 'The Event'
NEW NOTE: i got this from ilovepoetry.com.i can't believe i wrote this stuff! i can't even believe i signed up for the site! hahaha! cheesy...pathetic...but what can i say? i wrote the damn thing! i'm actually laughing as i reread the poem. how can one be so melodramatic? and so pathetic at that?

here's another one from the same site...as the title suggests...soooo pathetic..hahaha!

Pathetic
By: Al Argañoza
Denial my friend give me strength

help me cover all the memories

Keep my eyes shut from the haunting

pains of her truth
Heal this wound

Help me turn my back away

from the face I have so long known

Relieve me from the sadness which have enclosed me

and ease this suffering

With every dropping tear embrace me

Refrain me from remembering

the name I dare not speak of

Refuse thy self from this naive heart

who bathes itself with her image

So that when i see her look

unto his eyes and smile
I can tell my dying self,
'I wish them well...'

About this poem:
this next one was written while i was going home from school. its one of my most favorite....

NEW NOTE: i actually wrote this poem on my way home. while i was riding a PUJ home in Blumentritt...amidst the smoke and debris of Taft and Rizal Avenue, a young, hungry, sweating and a "cant-get-over" poet suddenly finds his muse for writing...awwwww! i can even remember the squiggly lines and how horrible my handwriting was when i wrote the original manuscript (naks) since no one in their right mind would try to write while inside a moving vehicle

i think i have one more from the same site

Hazel Eyes
By: Al Argañoza
i have forever known myself as invisible

accepted the fact that no one will bother to look, yet to see

then someone came along and stopped

to share a glance

to look at me straight in the eyes

through me and my soul
deep within regions, i myself never knew

and for once i saw myself at someone else's eyes

my reflection at another mirror

with that vision i have found my peace

amidst being lost in the vastness within

trapped inside those eyes

i find happiness to last till eternity

nothing could ever more understand

me and all my doubts

fears and aspirations

but those glances you call your own

someone finally saw me and who i am

how i wish those eyes will forever look into mine

but i was never destined to be seen

i was forever invisible

and like all passers-by she left

leaving me staring in an abyss

alone yet smiling

shattered yet at peace

hurt yet yearning

that those eyes

your eyes will find me again

to hold me secure and help me see

what in a lifetime I can never see

a clearer picture of once a stranger

but now someone worthwhile seeing

because only within those hazel eyes

i can find that greatest someone i should be.

About this poem:
this next one is another of my many mushy-gutsy-desperado-pathetic poems...it fits to the 'broken-hearted distrubed-teen' genre and is also atrributed to 'HER', the name I shall dare not speak...hehehe...its a more of a prose rather than a poem (i think)
NEW NOTE: i've already laughed out myself dry on the floor while i'm typing this. did i actually feel that way?! what's more surprising is that i'm actually capable of writing those kind of stuff. *shudders* it's a talent (or not) that i'll put on my next new year's list of the "things you'd like to get rid off for the next year" hahaha! i crack myself up!

reading these poems, i remember those days. but now it's a totally new feeling (or lack of it) and now i can actually laugh it out without bitterness. Gosh! (with a Miriam twang) did i ever feel bitter? (liar!)

one general thought to summarize these poems: "The idealism of youth nga naman..."hahaha

PS: the text alignment's a little lousy, i won't even bother...

Self Talk

would it make a difference if i kept it all inside
and pretend there's nothing more?
would i be lying to myself?
would i be protecting you?
was it the right thing to do
to be blind about this?
was it selfsih? was it wrong
to hide the truth from you?
was it worthy to compromise?
would it be right
if none of us knew and i never wanted?
would it still be the same?
would you be satisfied? would i yearn?
was it noble to give up what i had?
were there no regrets?
was it worth the risk after all?

tell me...



Authors Note: I wrote this while cramming for an exam...the result? a barely passing mark for my exam and a whole lot of satisfaction..hahaha!

Point Blank

This will be the last time i think about you no more lies, no more fooling myself
no more waiting for someone who won't come back
that dance will be just another dance
that smile will be just another smile
that name will be just an acquantance
sooner or later i'll have to face the music
i will never be the one who can make you happy
nor can i make you feel what is not there
some things can never be changed and are just best remembered
hearts are easily broken but they can be mended
only if we accept the truth no matter how hurtful it is.
i am strong, i will be strong, i have to be...
i will break this cycle of pain and dreaming
i will pick up where you left and put the pieces together
by myself
i won't hold your memories back with hate
i will set them all free
i will set myself free from now on
with thoughts of better days to come
for with all this pain i have learned
i have grown and i have become better
so that when i see YOU i can at last smile
and say to myself
"FINALLY I HAVE MOVED ON.."



Authors Note: im just being mellowly dramatic..a pathetic attempt to end a natural disaster

H.O.

i want to let go
of the hurt you caused me

but with that pain

comes the joy of loving you

that even if it tears me

to see you held by his hand

walked home by him

i still find peace inside your eyes

no matter how many times

my heart gets shattered

i would gladly pick the pieces up

and put them back together

for this is my only retreat

my reverie from the outside truth

that even if things felt so right

you were never mine to begin with

i'll just close my eyes

take these tears forgranted

and think about the times you said you'd be there for me

forever.........



Author's Note: my writing style is VERY EXPERIMENTAL ...meaning it doesn't have to rhyme or follow pantameter measurements...i think its futile to restrict yourself to limitations when it comes to writing...Read: freedom of expression. the enigma of the title is very quote:intriguing

Blumentritt

my butt gets sore from sitting for hours
face gets pampered with smoke and debris
wiping off sweat in every corner
hot and dirty, noisy and pungent

my body narrowed by strangers
becoming a claustrophobic contortionist
at the same time noble
as i give the driver other people's money


sleep becomes my own enemy
as i fight boredom with thieves
tempers clash, heads get bruised
inside this heroic vehicle

a pause and a stop every now and then
amidst death-defying velocity
getting acquainted with every roadly name
becomes a perilous journey of the masses

every afternoon i tread this journey
hoping it wil be easier the next day
unanswered prayer: "when will this end?"
dormitory-life seems so far-away!


Author's Note: this one was written in the same date (july 9) i have written "Pathetic"...i also wrote it while riding home (blumentritt-Novaliches-bound Jeepney)..hehe it's one of my few poems its not love oriented.im sure if Ema and Armand can relate.

Oldest Poem So Far

After googling my name again today I managed to stumble across one of the oldest poems I have written and published online. Good thing is I only have 1 email address and I use a standardized password, I was able to log in to the account and look at the details and to my surprise, the date on the piece was 10/2/2004. Geezus! That was almost 5 years ago. I must admit I don't find it good as I struggled to find words that would rhyme at the end of the sentences, which for me kinda sucks. LOL. Geez what was I thinking?! I can't even remember what made me write it.  So I decided to copy and paste it here in and tag it on the original date (Today is March 4 2010), afterwhich I'll be deleting my account on that site with the poem as well. Enjoy! (It had 365 views, yeah right!)
I wouldn't edit the poem by the way. I like it way it is with all the lack of coherence and the abundance of grammatical errors. It's like preserving a fossil with all its integrity,

THE WORDS I WOULD HAVE SAID


It was a dark stormy night we were seated in my room
We were having a nasty fight all things were in gloom.
You said I had no time for you and I was always busy
You said I was never there, that it’s driving you crazy….

You said I’d miss a dinner, you said I forgot your birthday,
You said I’d never call, that I was having my own way
You said I never really cared when in fact I always do
You said I was insensitive and my feelings were never true.

You said you’re just a girl in my life and not a part of me,
You said my heart was numb; you’re love I couldn’t see
You said that life would be easier if you never knew me at all
And said I was better off without you when tears began to fall…

I tried to brush them off your eyes yet you turned away from me
I tried to say that I was sorry but silence ran so deep
I tried to hold your hand as I struggled to hold you near…
But all I got was a cold embrace saying “it’s over now my dear…”

With those last words you said our love was at last over
Go our separate ways, true love we might even discover
You left in my room the hundred tears you’ve shed
But you never really heard those words I would have said…


With tears rolling down my eyes I said these words all alone…
“You bring out my best with all the good you have shown
From the moment I saw you I knew you were the one
And I don’t know what I will do now that you’re gone


Your kisses gave me warmth, your hand made me feel at ease
Your sweet voice gave me rest, your eyes they gave me peace.
You never left my side with that smile you always share
You stepped into my life when no one seemed to care…


You were my light, you completed me in every way
You were my very all, you made life better each day
You were my everything, my angel, my friend
You are the only love I’ll ever have till the very end…”


As much I regret that I didn’t see it before
Part of me died when you walked out that door
As I lay down with a shattered heart crying on my bed
I wonder what if you heard all those words I would have said……

i think i wrote it while i was in high school. i actually exerted an effort to try and find rhymes for the verses (pathetic me) and i got this from voices.net. i don't know why i wrote this. i think it was after seeing a movie that reminded me of my lacking in KR* and "inspired me" to write about unrequited love (again). please feel free to laugh your heart out about this pathetic teen who think he wrote something meaningful....you have my permission.

*KR = karelasyon