The Great(?) Depression of 2012

Ich hasse dich, Christian und Olli!

Curse you Luke and Noah!

It’s been more than a year. And  I’d be lying to myself if I didn't say how much I miss that feeling.

I’ve been feeling like I’m in a rot these days. I don’t know.  Something unknown has triggered something within me and I feel all mopey and depressed. Being depressed for no concrete reason is stupid, I know. But I can’t help feeling down these past few days.

Maybe it’s because of all these stories I’ve been reading. Stupid romantic stories. I’ve always been the cynic type-of-guy in front of everyone –cool, collected and  usually the first one to give a sign of reproach and disgust when someone shares their mushy story. Bleh. I mean, I can give the “awww...” expression coupled with the puppy dog eyes that say how cute it is when someone tells me the lovey dovey details of their lives. But I always give them a hard time after that because of it. I guess  it’s easier to be that skeptic person and laugh at how cheesy one can get when he’s in love than to cover how much a sentimental guy I am deep inside. Poor, hopless romantic sap, yes. Call it my defense mechanism.

Stupid gay love stores and their evil plots of happy endings! Wretched fantasies are what they are.

I’m always like this after watching a movie or after seeing something in TV that has a homoromantic subtext. And after reading love stories between two gay guys, I hate myself even more for feeling  butterflies in my stomach with ocassionaly jealousy “hey why can’t I have something like that?” line. Sigh. Jealousy for something that you can’t, don’t and won’t have is one nasty bitch. That ugly feeling of being down because you’re single has reared its ugly head. Oh wait, that ugly feeling of being down because you’re 26 and still single has reared its ugly head.

I’m usually not like this. I have this mantra that things like relationships happen at the right time and all you have to do is be patient. It has to happen with the right reason. Create the life that you love and share it with someone, not look for someone in the hopes of creating a life that you love. I have always operated with this mind set. And I’m good with it. I still believe it by the way. I don’t let my being single bother me and I’m not that type of guy who hooks up just for the sake of being in a relationship. I’m not that type of guy who’s afraid he’s single on Valentine’s day and I’m certainly not that type of guy who lets the world know he’s single every good damn day through “oh poor me I’m single” posts in Facebook. I’m 26 and I’m single. Period. It’s not a big deal. This is how I roll. Well, that was before.

But every once in a while, even though how cool you think you are with yourself or your current status, there comes a time when a sudden surge of depression kicks in. There are days when you suddenly feel lonely and alone.  It happens out of the blue and all your coolness melts into one giant pool of mush. And you get sad about not having someone in your life. Then suddenly you’re no better than those you ridicule because they think being single is the end of the world.

After all, you’re just human. And  you get lonely some times. I’m just human. 

And that time of deep, out of place, pathetic emo-ing for me, ladies and gents, happens to be right now. Sheesh. Rolls eyes.

After I came out, I thought it’s going to be easy finding that someone. Since I’m more honest to myself now more than ever,  then finding a, I shudder at the phrase but what the heck, significant other, was supposed to be walk in the park. It’s like a walk in the freakin’ Sahara desert is what it is!

It’s been more than a year since I went out. And to be truthful, I sort of miss the feeling of liking someone. Mind you, I don’t miss my ex. Not one bit. Let that son of a bitch rot in hell for all I care (no bitterness, swear). But I kinda miss the concept of liking someone.  Yes, what I had was short—but it sure felt nice while it lasted. I miss that. I miss the feeling of the giddy feeling you get when you talk to him. I miss the feeling of knowing someone out there is happy to see you. I miss the sex. Yeah, I know...but  I just had to throw that one in it there, hahaha.  Sue me.

Argh?!!! What the hell is wrong with me?! I feel like a girl with a bad case of PMS! It’s pathetic! I’m pathetic. Al, you better snap out of this. And soon!

But what bugs me more about this depression is the fact that I know all I have to do to remove myself from it is to get out back there, meet someone and feel all giddy mushy again. Simple as that. Or is it? Maybe I should just go out, be drunk again and do it with another guy. You know, just end this gloominess and  to get my game on. Is it really easy to find someone and be in a relationship? When you think about it, then yes. There are tons of guys and even tons more ways to meet them. But is it really easy to find someone and be in my type of relationship? 

I don’t know.

My problem is this: if I go back out there , find somone, and commit myself in a relationship right now, all the while feeling all this shitty and vulnerable inside, then I know I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons. I know that I’m not falling in love but I’m hanging onto someone because I’m desparate. Desparate to not feel this sadness. And that makes me even more pathetic than I am right now. 

So what do I do now? I feel  depressed about being single but I know I don’t want to go out right now and find a guy ‘cause then I know it’s beacuse I only want to snap out of this awful rot I’m in. What a terrible impasse.

Breathe.

Close your eyes.

Count one to ten.

I do know that with the type of guy I am, I’ll find some way to be cool with all of these feelings again. I know I’m going to snap out of it. I just hope it’s soon. I mean real soon. I don’t like myself feeling vulnerable and throwing the “why am I single?” pity party. The upside of all of this is, at least I know I’m still a functioning human being.

I’ll definitely not give in to the temptation of taking the easy way out of this depression. Hey, I maybe lonely right now, but I still have some dignity and sense left in me.

Maybe I should stop reading all those gay romantic stories. Haha.

Nah.