One Rainy, August Morning

unfriending someone isn't always a bad thing
image courtesy of http://blog.timesunion.com 

I just realized that my ex unfriending me from Facebook this rainy August morning can be added to the many reasons why I love the rain so much. J

August has always been marked by gloomy, rainy weather. As a kid, I’ve always loved the rain and the usual suspension of classes it brings. Even up to now, I still love it. The neighbourhood I grew up in was below sea level, so normally it would only take one or two thunderstorms to make everyone their own private indoor swimming pools come the rainy days.  Back then, rain this hard would always mean being forced to cuddle in one big room with all my sibs. So imagine five kids being forced to stay in one room under their blankets while their parents serve hot champorado (chocolate-flavored rice porridge) in a candlelit setting. I guess that’s one of the reasons why I love this weather so much; because it takes me back to warm and pleasant memories. Ghost stories, card games, and random doodling on paper, those are memories I have of the rainy season. 

Commuting to places during heavy downpour can really be a hassle because of the flood. People get late for work, cars get stranded on national highways and a lot of unsuspected power outages occur when it rains this hard; which is why for most people, the rain is considered such a huge inconvenience. At some point, I guess they’re right but at the end of the day, it all boils down on how you view things. I can never blame the rain for any of these. While it is a fact that such natural calamities can take people’s lives, in the end we can never really blame what is inevitable.  Nature is inevitable.  It’s always been that way. There’s really no point in measuring yourself up against these forces. But we do have the advantage of being smart enough to prepare and lessen unfavourable outcomes. We can always pray for a sunny weather, but that won’t stop the rain, like what James Morisson once said.

Now, the rainy weather usually means that I stay alone in my room and spend the entire day being online in Facebook. Oh, and today I found out that my ex just unfriended me. I actually didn’t know what to think about it at first. I can honestly say I’ve moved on and that if ever given the chance, I can face him and be civil. I have so moved past the rage and the anger. The weird thing is, after all the bitterness goes away, you’re just left with an empty shell—devoid of any human feelings. That is different from saying that I don’t feel any hints of emotions towards people in general, I still do. I still laugh at corny jokes and well-up when I hear or see something sad. I’m still the one hundred-percent emotional sap that I was before. But when it comes to thinking about my ex, I just don’t feel anything. No rage, happiness, sadness, lust. Nothing. When I think about him, I just remember his name and what he looks like but I can never associate anything special to the image. It’s like when you see a familiar face of a political candidate plastered on billboard. You know his name. You recognize his face. But you just don’t care.

During the past few months, I admit that it was hard for me to see his name appear on my Facebook newsfeed every once in a while. His posts of romantic quotes or snide mushy remarks which, I know were not intended for me anymore. Ever since he chose to disappear, he never attempted to contact me or at least make an attempt to see if I'm still OK. I gave him the chance. I told him that and I waited for him. But he didn't do anything. What’s infuriating about it was, he knew I was online all the time and I knew he was too, but he never made any attempt to make the first move. And he was the one who made all the serious offenses, not me. So I deleted his number on my phone, his name in my Skype contacts and my yahoo messenger and the private messages he sent me.

But the funny thing was, I kept him connected through Facebook. I don’t know why, but I could never unfriend him there. Maybe it was my way of still holding on to the last shreds of hope I had that he would apologize. I’ve long resigned to the fact that we would never be together anymore as a couple, but I still believed that he would at least give me a clear explanation why he chose to disappear. I deserved that, at the very least. He hurt me and he knew that. I wanted to hear him apologize, was that too much to ask? But then I guess when the universe says “enough” or “no more” you have to pay attention. You have to understand that you can’t always control things and circumstances the way you want them to.

I wouldn’t say that I had one of those archaic moving on processes that we see on TV. No, I didn’t vandalize, I didn’t go back to using drugs. I didn’t sleep around and no, I didn’t drink myself sober. Although I did drink a few times but I would hardly call it binge drinking (I have very low tolerance to alcohol these days). It wasn’t considered a long-term relationship in the first place for me to commit into such an arduous moving on. The relationship I had was short, yes, but it felt nice and I really liked the guy. But I got hurt and my self-esteem got crushed, so I had to remove myself from that state and move on. My college friends were the ones I relied on for outside help and they were very supportive during those times. They always had the “canned best friend” responses ready to make me feel better. No he doesn’t deserve you. He’s an asshole. He’s not a loss. I understand the intention behind these gestures and I appreciate them. Stock  bestfriend responses are what our friends give to us when we are hurt. It’s not bad nor pretentious. It's just in our friends' job descriptions to say these kind of things. They did make me feel a little better but such canned responses can only go as far.

The moving on process I had was more introspective than I expected. It didn’t require any daunting physical outlets like finding a new hobby or engaging into dangerous sports, but I did spend a lot of time thinking. I spent many days by myself in my room, isolating myself from the outside world because I knew ultimately I had to deal with this on my own. In retrospect, it was more of a psychological process. I had to mend my broken ego. I had to reaffirm my belief system.  I had to rebuild what was damaged. I had to do all of these things in my head.  

One day, I finally came to realize that this world I’m living in will continue to revolve without him, me or without the concept of an “us”. And when I thought about it, wallowing about a lost relationship is as inconsequential and pointless as it can get.  It’s over. The world will move on, and so should I. After realizing this, I found myself slowly becoming at peace with things. Until it came to the point that I can see my ex’s news feed on FB without any traces of bitterness left.

The days before he removed me from his contacts, I could tell that he was already seeing someone new based on the nature of his posts.  And I was perfectly fine with it, finally. As much as I wanted to feel jealous, bitter or even happy for him, I just couldn’t, because I don’t feel anything towards him anymore.  I found out he removed me from his contacts accidentally. I wasn’t looking at his FB page in particular but when a known common friend added me, I noticed that he wasn’t on the mutual friends list. Getting a bit curious, I clicked on my ex’s name and there it was, clear as day—the “Add as a friend” button.

Surpirsed that he unfriended me, I shot him a short private message:

I guess by un-friending me from FB you really wanted to severe all the ties you have with me. In the end, I'd like to say that I wasn't the one who said goodbye.Thank you for the good conversations. I appreciated those. I learned a lot from you.
I left my tooth brush at your place, if ever you find it, please throw it away.I wish you all the happiness in life, [insert ex’s name].

  After sending that short message, I blocked him from Facebook. I guess it’s my way of finally ending this chapter. Even if he chose to not talk to me anymore or give his side of the story, I know I couldn’t completely close this if I don’t say my piece, so I did. Through this short message, I was able to finally tie all the loose ends I had regarding our affair.

And knowing that I wasn’t the one who first said goodbye, it makes me feel better inside.

Like in the end, I still won.