On a High With Verbotene Liebe

love rant #1 

i still believe that someone out there will be the one for me, who will love me in with all my imperfections and accept me and love me inspite and above all. i'd like to think that it's ok to have been alone for all these years because i know it is going to be worth the wait. i know that someday i'll find love in another human being form, man, woman, it doesn't matter. because i believe that love transcends gender, it is a desire shared by 2 human beings to be together for the rest of their lives no matter what. to those who like me, haven't found it yet, that's ok. you just need to have hope.  so for those who are still there looking for true love, don't give up. never ever give up. keep on looking.

Note to God

Dear God,

I don't even know how to begin. I must say first of all that I'm sorry that I haven't spoken to you in a very long time. I can't even remember the last time I said a prayer or dare mention Your name. And when I do mention it, it's always in an angry voice or in a cuss word. I know it's wrong and for that God, I'm greatly sorry. I really am.

I'm very ashamed to admit that I can't even remember the last time I said something nice to you. Heck, I can't even remember the last time I said something about you. I guess when I got older I became independent. I realize that I can do whatever I want. I can believe in anything I want. I began to realize that P did not need You in my life. Because things happened in the way I never wanted them  to be, I forgot about you. Or maybe, I chose to forget about You. I thought that praying and believing in a God was some sort human weakness. Logic and reason thought me that I have to deal with things on my own. I thought praying was like admitting that we are weak to handle things on our own and praying was like asking someone to do things for us. I thought that idea was kinda stupid since we as human beings should be able to do things on our own. But now I know that, that too is stupid, because You were here first. You are everything.


I know there is no excuse for what I did and You should have every right to not take me back in, but I know You won't do that...because when a wayward son loses his way, as father You rejoice when he finds his way back to You. I'm in one way or another, like one of your prodigal sons. Having thought of taking on the whole world with what little he has, he sets out and loses everything. He questions himself and he goes back to his father. I thought I can take on the world. I thought I knew everything but I realize now that I don't. I don't know anything. I don't know what to do Lord. I'm lost. And just like a lost son I'm coming back to You to give me my life's instructions.


I have to admit though that I have to do this one day a time. As you know, I'm bad with big drastic changes. But I do admit now that I need your help and that's what's important. I can't do this on my own. I know I have to find my back into You one step at time. It won't happen over night I'm sure but I'm willing to take the journey back into Your purpose no matter how long it takes. I believe that with Your instructions I'll be able to live not MY life but A life.


So I guess all I want to say in this Lord is I'm sorry. I'm sorry Lord for not talking to You for years, for putting You and my faith in the background. I've done things I'm not proud of but I'm sure You already know that. I promise to keep You in my life from now until You take it.


Your wayward son,
AL

"Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life...You cant describe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, thats all anything ever is, nothing more than coincidence. There are no miracles. There is no such thing as fate. Nothing is meant to be..."--- (500) Days of Summer.

Friendster No More

So today I decided to delete my old friendster account. I think the reason why I did it is because of my oh-so-futile attempt to keep things in my life in order, which started on the decision to keep only one social networking site. (I've deleted my old mutliply account too days ago but migrated all my blognotes on this site) It's been pretty much inactive (my FS account)  for a several months now and the last update I made was on October 2009. I have to admit deleting the old thing was not as easy as I thought it would be. I hate being too sentimental on even the tiniest things. I admit that I do have a hard time letting things go, especially those I consider sentimentally valuable because I've had them for years. I've been debating and putting off the idea of deleting my friendster account for a few days now, not because I still think it's cool but because of the sentimental value it had. I'd been a member of that site since November 2003, back when I was in my first year at college, back when it was the coolest thing ever, and back when it was the only social networking website available in the country. I was there when it started. It was my friend Paul who invited me to join.I think I had 250+ friends on that account: almost all of my college friends, highschool classmates and some nice people I've met online.  Let's face it, most people now are using facebook and eversince friendster changed its layout to look more like FB, it's been pretty much a drag, I liked FS more when it was simpler, more user friendly and less like a hybrid of FB and twitter. I liked it better when it looked like this

before it became this monstrosity

So alas, with a heavy heart I decided to delete my account of 6 years. I guess people have to find me in facebook now (and vice-versa). I wish there was a way to keep my old testimonials though, there were some very nice things that people said about me there.  Oh well, I guess it's time for me to embrace change.


FRIENDSTER IS SOOOOO LAST MILLENIA
FRIENDSTER NO MORE.

If I Am by Nine Days

Okay, so I can't get this song out of my head and it's really a bad case of LSS (Last Song Syndrome). The good thing is it's a good song and even if I sing this all day long I know no one's gonna laugh at me for singing a cheesy song. Believe me, I had a bad case of LSS with Leah Salonga and Brad Kane's We Could Be In Love and it took me two weeks to get it completely out of my system (they might laugh at my horrible voice though, but that's another story). I'm not going to pretend I'm a diehard hard core fan of this band since they became popular during the time I was singing along the tunes of high school pop but I do like some of their stuff. My brother has always been the one who listens to alternative or rock music and because we shared a room, and because I had no choice but to listen when he plays these kinds of songs, I subconsciously adapt a liking for some the music he listens to. Mainly, he's responsible for the part of me who likes rock, noisy and alternative music. One of band the always plays on his playlist is Nine Days which came into popularity during the early 2000's (according to trusty wikipedia). I only know two of their songs that hit the mainstream airwaves, the first song is "Absolute (Story of a Girl)" which is an awesome yet overplayed song and the other one is "If I Am" which has the lyrics written below.

"If I Am"

by Nine Days

So your standing on a ledge,

It looks like you might fall

So far down,

Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.

Now you could have it all,

If you learned a little patience!

For though I cannot fly,

I'm not content to crawl!...

So give me a little credit,

Have in me a little faith!

I want to be with you forever,

If tomorrow's not too late!...

And it's always too late when you've got nothing

So you say!...

But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,

Before the sun rises today...

CHORUS:

IF I AM!

Another waste of everything you dreamed of,

I will let you down...

IF I AM!

Only here to watch you as you suffer,

I will let you down...

So your walking on the edge,

And you wait your turn to fall.

But you're so far gone,

That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you.

And you could find the fault,

In the heart that you've been handed!

For though you cannot fly,

You're not content to crawl!...

And it's always too late when you've got nothing

So you say!...

But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow,

Before the sun rises...

IF I AM!

Another waste of everything you hoped for,

I will let you down...

IF I AM!

Only here to watch you as you suffer,

I will let you down...

So you're standing on a ledge,

It looks like you might fall...

IF I AM!

Another waste of everything you dreamed of,

I will let you down...

IF I AM!

Only here to watch you as you suffer,

I will let you down...

The answers we find,

Are never what we had in mind.

So we make it up as we go along...

You don't talk of dreams

I won't mention tomorrow.

And we won't make those promises that we can't keep...

I will never leave you!

I will not let you down!

I will never leave you!

I will not let you down!

I always play this on my cellphone playlist but it's only recently that I really (I mean really) like this song. The music video's cool too. It's not flashy (Adam Lambert I'm talking to you!) or trying-hard to be deep type of video; it just shows the band playing and the lead vocalist singing the verses to a girl who's oblivious to him as if she doesn't see him.  I decided to take the lyrics of the song and decipher the meaning behind it, or at least what i think is the meaning of the song for me.

The song is about a guy who is so in love with this cynical girl who is having hard time trusting people, or trusting guys with her heart. The girl is also thinking about giving up on love as the guys says in the opening  lyrics:"So your standing on a ledge, It looks like you might fall So far down, Or maybe you were thinking about jumping."  And this guy is trying to convince the girl to at least give him a shot and prove his worth to her. Admittingly, the guy tells the girl that he might not offer more than what her previous relationships have already given her in terms of money, security or looks but even if he's just an average-joe he thinks that he is worthy of her feelings as what  he says in the following lines "For though I cannot fly, I'm not content to crawl!." The girl obviously doesn't want to entertain the guy wooing over her but this resilient guy is asking her to please reconsider and give him a chance of proving himself before shutting him completely out of her life as what the lines "But you should never let the sun set on tomorrow, Before the sun rises..." tell us. These lines are also a reminder for all of us to not let something end before even giving it a chance to even begin. I really love the lyrics of the chorus as the lines are so simple yet the message is so strong and brutally honest. In the chorus the guy says "If I am another waste of everything you dreamed of, I will let you down...If I am only here to watch you as you suffer, I will let you down..." which means that even if the girl thinks that he is just waiting his time for her she is absolutely wrong! If you read the lines its like the guy is telling the girl upfront "Look, I know you're thinking I'm just another jerk who will hurt you in the end , but you're absolutely wrong. I'm different. I care..." The second verse of the song solidifies and supports the image of the girl portrayed in the first stanza as being someone who finds it hard to trust people, ("And you could find the fault, In the heart that you've been handed!") probably because of  a traumatic relationship in the past. The guy tells the girl that because she shuts everyone out of her life she doesn't see the people around her who try to reach out and who really care about her ("But you're so far gone,That you don't see the hands upheld to catch you."). The song ends with the guy telling the girl that if only given the chance, he will prove her wrong and he will be the one to stick by her in until the end. ("I will never leave you! I will not let you down!" )

The final lines of the song tell us that oftentimes, as people we look for someone who is the perfect match for us and most often than not later on in the relationship we realize that we don't see ALL that we're looking for on the person we end up being with ("The answers we find, are never what we had in mind."). In turn, if we don't see a particular trait on that person we break up with them and as consequence we look for that particular quality on our next relationship. This cycle continues until eventually we make up this long list of unrealistic traits that we look for in a person which makes it difficult for us to give our hearts to someone if we deem that he/she lacks that something we are looking for. But we should all learn that no one is near being perfect. We all have flaws, and the right person to choose is that person who will gladly accept those flaws. This song is also a constant reminder to all of us, that even if we feel all alone there is still someone out there who cares, we just don't know it.

One Fine (Itchy) Afternoon

Wow. I have forgotten that this blog even existed and it's cool to read back stuff i have wrote some 3 years ago. I could never keep a blog active, wonder why. Having been infested with the varciella zoster virus for almost a week now opened new doors of boredom in me and once again i find myself writing.

I just got my pay check today, and surprisingly enough (not!) it's kinda lower than what i expected. i know that when i agreed to take on this job that the pay would be lower than what i used to earn plus three times the stress levels. i know it's too late to complain now since i just signed my regularization papers for the company before i got sick with chickenpox. the only things that are keeping me from resigning is the location of the company (which only takes me less than an hour to commute and from my side of the eqautor that's a short trip) and the nearness of chill spots (when i say chill spots i mean drinking spots), and my friends, and also the fact that i need a job.

I suddenly remembered that when I was in second year high school, our class made a promise that we will hold a reunion on October 26 2010, exactly 10 years from being a sophomore and exchange stories of how our lives would turn out. i have never given it much thought about what i would become 10 years from that date, but all i know was i was going to be successful. Everyone expected me to become succesful including me, being the nice, responsible, hard working and intelligent young man that I was back then. I imagined myself to be a doctor or a succesful businessman slash writer. I used to think I could be anything I wanted to be when I grow up. But today is 2010 and 10 years have passed since I was that same person. Here I am, at home, sick from the chicken pox, working in a call-center and wondering how he can budget his measly sallary. Hardly, the "success" I imagined myself to be in. But what does "success" really mean to me? to all of us? Can I consider myself successful?

I honestly don't know...

R.A. para sa'yo.

i watch you go down the drain and beat yourself up for some freaking a*hole and what probably hurts most is the fact that i can't help you with it, because you have to learn. you have to learn to stand by your decisions. i want you to grow. that's how much you mean to me. you might call it being insensitive, but it's not. you probably think that i don't care much when you tell me about how he is hurting you. Well let me tell you  that's a lot of crap. Do you think i enjoy seeing you cry? Do you even know how much it tortures me knowing that i can't help you or i'm not there when he leaves and makes you feel worthless?

Missing You

I knew right then and there that saying “I’ll miss you” and mindlessly waiting for your response was the end it…of something I kept for myself for a very long time.

It never occurred to me how badly I will miss you. Half of the sane man in me knew this day would come but I never realized that it will happen so soon. It’s like you know the ending of a very predictable movie but once you see that the happy-ever-after is over you never realized how or why it occurred. I have long told myself that you will one day, be gone, for you have been telling me this for the past months. It’s kinda silly for me to even encourage you to let go. I know it was the proper thing to do and it was your only ticket to happiness. I fooled myself to believe it was mine as well, that seeing you happy will make me happy too. I kept my selfishness in tact inside my outer covering of denial. Who was I to object?

It was a mystery for me from the beginning how and when I started feeling this way about you. There was no sign from up above, no epiphany, no moment of clarity or pre-emptive warning at all when this happened. Naturally, it just did. I began to notice the difference when I started to look forward to seeing you everyday; when every minute that we share talking to each other would seem like a snapshot frozen forever. I never wanted my day to end when I was with you but when it did, I so eagerly wait for the cycle to repeat itself the next day, and the next, until it became a vicious habit I have grown accustomed to. I always feel excited when I’m hearing your stories about life, your frustrations and your dreams, for we share the same insights on most things. I knew I was in too deep when I began to need the intent look in your eyes when you look through me to try to reach out for my theories. It was like someone searching for a soul, my soul. I never met a person like that before. At first I only wanted to heal you from your pain or make you forget them for a little while or at least when I’m here. I knew this was a long shot, but I didn’t care. As long as I can be there to ease you from your burdens I know I will be happy at one point.


I'll miss you. Don't you ever forget that.

Twenty Three New Things

I am officially twenty three. Well I don’t know about last year being the pinnacle but I think this past year became an important turning point in my life. I considered the year that was as the start of my wild glory days but everything happened in a blur. Last year, I gave thanks to all those who made my 22nd birthday special. Today, as I hit the 23rd mark I have listed down twenty three things new (that I personally have and some important people have pointed out) that were different from the AL that you would have met last year.

1. I smoke

-(for the whole gory detials, please read Operation Nicotine entry on May 1 2009) The habit started with Marlboro Green Menthol (for wusses), gradually progressing to Marlboro Lights (commoner for call center agents) then settling to Marlboro Reds (the "manly" cigarette as I deem it, though Tan said it's for tricycle drivers, I really don't care) to my rare inclination to Gudang Garam. It's not actually an addiction yet as I can stop at will and I can go on for weeks or days withouht a puff.

2. I drink

-started with San Mig Light. I hated the taste of beer at first but I got used to it eventually. I really like "hard" drinks more, like all the "-dors" known to man, (Gran Matador, Fundador, Emeperador, etc) courtesy of our drinking escapades in Hadasah's house. Hard drinks are sweeter and has more lasting effect on me than beer. And who needs a chaser? haha Most recently though I grew quite fond of Red Horse (kasi ang mahal na ng hard eh). The sweet bittery taste of the ice-cold golden liquid slides down your throat after a long hard day at work is all you need to wash the stress away.

3. I have three ear piercings and 4. I have a tattoo

-(for more information kindly refer to entry April 16 2009). Did both on the same day with my best friend as a celebration of the changes in my life. It felt really good.

5. I use profanity in every single sentence

-not surprising being a call center agent. When you get to talk to stupid and racist idiots on the phone for 8 hours (or more) 5 days a week (or more) you adapt a subconsious sense of hostility that even the littlest of things would make you utter blasphemy. This is a bad thing and I know I should totally eradicate it from my system.(are you f*ck*ng kidding me? what kind of an a**hole would do that?! LOL)

6. I have become such an a**hole agent

-from being one of the top goody goody agents on the floor, I have learned to even the playing field with my customers. If at the first 2 minutes and you sound like an a**hole, i'll be more than willing to put you on hold for eternity until you drop the call, transfer you to an Indian rep or to release your call. Goodluck on dialing the number again and waiting for ages to get the next rep. If you're a jerk customer i'll be a bigger jerk agent and you won't get anything from me. (Pero if mabait ka naman, kahit 3 hours tayo sa phone walang problema basta maayaos ang problema mo)

7. My female appreciation skills are a bit heightened

-thanks to Aldous peripheral vision skills and his "clock-hand technique",I have acquired a more sensible appreciation of the fairer sex. I only look lang naman, I never touch, well not yet. hehe

8. I have collected jackets

-I think I got this habit out of Tristan. I used to wear a blanket on the floor if the temperature suddenly falls into freezing point, but eversince I've known Tan, I've acquired his habit of buying jackets with hoodies (and still wear the jacket even after shift). I dunno. I thought the jackets looked kinda nice. :)

9. I have developed an instant craving for Starbucks® Chocolate Cream Chip Frappe or Raspberry Frappuccino

-since the only main hang-out place in the building where my work was recently rellocated to is Starbucks (next to 7/11), this shouldn't come as a surprise. I used to detest Starbucks and I strongly believed that the coffee wasn't good at all and the hefty price is just because of the name. Apparently, its still true but since some of my new friends are addicted to it and since I really don't much of a choice we have entry number 9.

10. I practice EOP (English Only Policy) even after work

-subconsiouly! Before, I had NEAOP (No English After Office Policy) but speaking in English comes so naturally that I sometimes forget that the person whom I'm speaking to is not in the same industry as I am. Rest assure, I'll do my best to minimize this. It's not yet drastic to the point that I'm conversing in English even with  manong driver and manang kwekwek. LOL. Hindi pa naman.

11. I stopped going to Yahoo® Chat rooms

-I hardly go to chat rooms anymore simply because I do not have the time. When I was in training before (which ends at around 1 AM) I was able to go online when I get home and go to MMB6 in Yahoo Chatrooms where my cyberfriends are but since I have a different schedule now I can't.

12. I abuse my older siblings more for money

-especially my older brother. If my paycheck isn't enough to cover my partying expenses, there's always my ever trusty big brother to ask money from. hehehe

13. I am considering on finding “the one”

-Since everyone is curious as to why I haven't found a girlfriend yet, we have entry number 13 to shut them all up.

14. I really abandoned my dreams of becoming an aspiring a U.P. Pharmacy graduate

-who am I kidding? 2 years AWOL+ X years MRR in this school with the hopes of still finishing my degree? That's a first! Maybe someday I will finish my Pharmacy course, but it would be in a different school. I don;t know yet. I simply just can't let go of work now as I'm expected to contribute to my family's dire financial needs. Who needs UP anyway? It's just a school. Maybe a degree in business...I don't know yet.

15. I became less and less of an internet junkie
-When my internet connection is brand new it was like surfing like there's no tomorrow. But now, since I have ran of websites to go to ( I don't know that many) and simply because I can't find the time, the only one happy that we have an internet connection is my older sister.

16. I became more open minded

-more open minded than I was in college, since you get to meet more and more people as you grow older you learn to accept their flaws and their personality.

17. I am a bum
-or I will become a bum in less than a week as the 30-day effectivity of my resignation date comes closer. When you work 40 hours a week I think you earn the right to be a bum. (at least for a day or two)

18. I go out more with friends

-Live like there's no tomorrow. Cherish your friends today. Life is too short to stay at home. Party with friends. You don't know if they're still there to stick around tomorrow. (Huskies Friends, Tonio Go, Kamikami, The Brotherhood....all you need are good friends to get through life)

19. I became less and less up-to-date with current mainstream music
-unlike when I was in college  when MYX was god. Right now, there simply isn't enough time to listen to new music. The only time I get to hear new music is when I hear it on the bus or when I think my ipod playlist song is outdated.

20. I became more and more laid back with life
-one important thing I have learned this year to simply sit back and enjoy life. Let the pieces fall where they may. Life is too short to stress out much.

21. I think of sex less often
-not enough time. enough said. LOL

22. I appreciate the value of my earnings.
-when you ran out of cash due to excessive mall trips and partying you learn the lesson of valuing money. You learn the lesson the hard way. And since you're working yourself to the bones, you become more and more aware that it took you 8 frustratingly long calls to buy the cool shirt that you really don't need.




23. I feel more responsible on the choices I make everyday.
-beause I think I'm getting old, and I am. hehe

So lads there you have it! Twenty-three new things about me to hate or to celebrate this year.

Operation Nicotine

There I was, sitting outside our locked front door as I watched how the rain splattered on the empty green cigarette box which I just threw out a couple of minutes ago. The very green box, which maybe a couple of years ago I detested so much, is now sitting on the ground covered in rain. A few inches beside it was my second to the last stick of cigarette, or probably the remains of it which is now a burnt cigarette butt whose flames slowly died as water lay on top of it. I noticed how weak fire is against water and how weak I am to be lured in to this temptation. But it wasn’t always like this. I was very strong, well that was before.

I remembered how I got acquainted with cigarette smoking just a few months ago. For everyone who knew me well until now, they probably know that my bony structure could have easily fooled anyone that I was smoking while in fact the very thought of second hand smoke touching my nostrils is the last thing I wanted to smell. I hated smoking so much, and I hated innocent bystanders like myself being dragged into lung cancer’s deathly toll due to second hand smoke even more. I reasoned that if someone was to kill himself thru lung cancer would be fine by me, as long as they not breathe second hand smoke against my way; that is how I harmoniously co-existed with cigarettes before. I couldn’t give a damn about YOUR future lung cancer problems as long as you don’t drag me into it. Having been bombarded with medical pictures and slides of lungs before and after years of cigarette smoking thanks to my medical course, I knew I was smart enough to even consider the slight possibility of smoking. Me? Smoking? I’d rather gargle liquid nitrogen. Or so I thought.

I hadn’t had the faintest idea why my line of work is always equated with smoking. Some say it’s because of the stress level due to being harassed constantly by racist Caucasian idiots while some say it’s because of the cold night time shift that is associated with working in this industry. For the past two years that I’ve been working, I was always surrounded by smokers of all shapes and sizes and it didn’t bother me at all. Some heavy chain smokers, "Dragons" as I call them and some who just smoke because they want to fit in and look cool I presume. I wouldn’t be one of these people, I promised myself, not in a million years. But again, like I always say it, shit happens and life fucks up in the most unexpected, surprisingly beautiful way. Some things drive you over to the edge and you seek comfort in the warmth of the nearest possible source of sanity you can get your hands on. Good things, bad things, it doesn’t matter as long as they keep your sanity well in tack. We're only humans. I’m only human anyway. I have the license to be weak at one point and I am expected to be lured into temptation. I will always remember that night I started, wait rephrase that, I decided that I want to smoke.

I was 30 minutes late when I arrived at work that night but I didn’t know why. I took the precautions to be early as I always do and it took me so much effort to get to work. Two and half hours of travel should be well enough to be allotted but because the universe conspired against me that fateful night I was late. This injustice, added with weeks and weeks of layered stress, disappointment and frustration being constantly hurled at me had finally taken its toll. I decided I had enough. My face still fills with anger every time I think of that night because I knew I was stressed enough then to have a nervous breakdown. For the past weeks everything around didn’t seem and felt right. I don’t know if I’m just exaggerating things then but I knew I was very upset that night. Upset about everything. And I was alone.

After arriving at work late, sleepless and looking like shit I decided to hit the nearby convenience store first to buy some bottled water, a habit I have grown accustomed to ever since the company moved into that freaking location. I’m late anyway and a few more minutes of salary deduction wouldn’t actually hurt me. Out of the blue I said to the store clerk who’s actually a buddy of mine that I also want a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. It was like an automatic robotic response when I paid the bill. I remember how surprised he was when I said that because he knew that my work buddies smoked but not me. Al, who still looks like a goodie goody nerd fresh out from college would never ever smoke, not in a million years. But things changed that night.

After that I walked straight up to the side of the company lot, a secluded area, and stared at the cigarette box. My enemy for so many years is now lying into my hands...inviting me. With trembling hands, I tore the plastic wrapping, feeling dumber every second since I didn’t know where to find the right place to start tearing. After successfully opening it, I remember my buddies methodically tap the cigarette butt several times against the back of their hand before they smoke it to pack the weeds inside evenly. I did the same. I took the lighter and put the cigarette on my mouth close to the flame. As expected of a first timer, I burned my opposable thumb. I looked so stupid and felt so stupid at the same time. But I was able to muster a light laugh since I was happy. Years of revulsion toward this habit suddenly grew insignificant as hatred grew into curiosity. What is it with this medically-abhorred custom that lures people into it? I was about to find out. I tried it again but it was so windy that night that the lighter was not even close to being cooperative. I smiled. It was harder than I thought. I cupped my hands to protect my flame and tried it again. Third time’s the charm as they say. My cigarette did start to emit small smokes as I huff to keep the flames going. Right on, I think we’re in business.

The smoke tasted terrible in my mouth as I puffed it out. I tried it again but still the same bitter chemical taste. It wasn’t long before I finished two sticks and went up to feel the wrath of my supervisor for being late. I have to admit my first experience wasn’t all too peachy, it was actually terrible. So terrible in fact that I swear not to do it again. But maybe I was doing it all wrong. So after more couple of attempts alone I started to feel the sweet chemical taste of it. I found out that you have to deeply inhale it so that the smoke gets to your throat, down your air passages and out your nostrils. It was warm, very warm as the carbon monoxide smoke soothes my air passages. Exhaling it was the fun part because it’s fun to see breathing out a constant pillar of smoke. It’s like a feeling like you’re suddenly unbreakable. As I puff out smoke all I can say in my head is “Screw you world! I’m smoking and there’s nothing you can do stop me!” The warm feeling of smoke through the bridge of my nose to my lip was what I needed then to relax, to calm my edging nerves and to be sane at that time. Irresponsible, I thought, as I can see every disappointing face of my friends and my family if they knew what I have done. As I finished smoking I felt relaxed for the first time in a few weeks, a bit nauseous though because of the taste. My surrounding is swirling in my head. I hope I’m not going to puke. But amidst the blur of the images around me, suddenly everything seems to be slower, clearer and more visible. That’s how I feel after I smoke. My head feels so light but everything around me seems to be going in slow motion, like asking me to stop take note of every detail. After smoking I see clarity, which I usually need to fight my way through shit life throws at me.

As I sat looking on the now drenched cigarette box I remember the different responses I received when people started to find out I was smoking. At first I never smoked in front of my work friends or anybody else for that matter because I didn’t want them to change their image of me, the goody goody boy who would do nothing wrong. I always smoked alone because the last thing I wanted is for people to think I’m doing it to look cool, or to project a bad boy image, or to fit in. I smoke because I decided I want to; which is why it always irks me when people, once they find out, suddenly make a big deal out of it and ask me If I have a serious problem I need to talk about or if this is part of a late teenage rebellion that they missed out. I just let out an exasperated sigh because it’s hard to explain in detail the reason behind this new “rebellious” act of mine. I don’t have to explain to anyone anyway.

As I decided to light my last cigarette stick sitting outside our front door and looking at the rain splattering the pavement, I also thought if this would grow into a sick habit. I shuddered as the medical images of burnt lungs fresh from medical books ran a slideshow into my head.

Nah.

I know better when to stop and how to stop anyway. That I can promise to myself.