March 26, 2006
In two days I will be having two final examinations (one is pre-final actually) on two of my major subjects this semester. I know I should not procrastinate and should hit the books to shun another possible 5.00 in my transcripts. Yet amidst possible reaction mechanisms and official ID tests I find myself lost.
Everyday I fight the desparation and the feeling of being lost and empty, stranded into the quicksand that is my course. I remember a question thrown to me by my friend once: “Nagsisi ka ba sa school mo?” I answered a quick “no”. But the follow-up question was a lot tougher: “Eh sa course mo?” and I found myself silent looking for a straight answer which I for one have been struggling to find since day one.
I always wanted to take up medicine and become a doctor. Ever since I found out the thrills of the human body during my biology course in high school, I knew what I wanted. And having the opportunity to enter UP I hung on to that dream. My first choice of course was Nursing and second was Bio in Manila, both as pre-med courses yet unfortunately I was not able to reach the quota of both. I still qualified for UPM though it was on DPWS (Degree Program With available Slots). Never giving up on my dream of one day donning a white laboratory gown and a stethoscope I chose a course that is closest to med. I knew I had the option of attending other schools but due to financial reasons (and the “prestige”) I continued and took BS Pharmacy, which I know (and some people say) one of the best pre-med courses.
I was clueless I know. I was never the “man of chem” during high school so imagine my shock when I was “supersaturated” with facts about atoms and covalent bondings, about stock solutions and other chemistry facts that my brain refused to accept. Add to these the horrors of math courses; x’s and y’s and the graph of a parabola. Little did I know that my course was actually a combination of chemistry and math, two subjects that weren’t high on my forte list. I suddenly began to hate the mess that I got myself into. That hate turned into inevitable 5.00’s, academic delinquency and a trip or two to the college secretary’s office. In my freshman year I nearly got kicked out of my college. I was depressed most of the time. Everyday I felt inferior to my blockmates who easily aced their chemistry and pharm exams.
I began to question myself and my intellectual capacity. Oftentimes I would ask myself “What am I doing here? I don’t belong here…” out of frustration. The dream of becoming a doctor was too far away. I was making up excuses for my poor academic performance, that chem or math is really not for me, or that my house was too far away or that I have too many household chores to do or I’m just plain lazy. Oftentimes words from my parents or from other people did not help either. I was slandered with false concerns about my poor performance and questions when I'll graduate. So this is how it feels, to be branded as "bobo".
They say you got to love what you’re doing in order for you to succeed. But what do I love? Certainly not math or chem. I loved biology but too bad I didn’t the reach the quota. Why not transfer to bio? Simple. My grades wouldn’t let me. I know I’m not the only one feeling stranded in this course.
