Sampung Segundo

Sa labas ng lobby. Araw. Hindi ko alam kung umaga o tanghali basta maraming tao, mga blockmates, basta halos lahat ng taga-college nandoon. Palabas ako ng lobby kasama ang 3 kong kaibigan at paglabas ko, sakto nakita kita sa may bandang kanan. Kasama mo siya at parang nag-uusap kayo ng masinsinan. Pagtingin ko napatingin ka rin sa’kin. Malalim ang mga titig mo at parang nalunod ako sa mga tingin na’yon. Mga sampung segundo siguro tayong nagkatinginan, pero kahit sandali lang punum-puno ng kahulugan sa akin ang 10 segundong ‘yon. Sa mga sandaling ‘yon, parang nagflash-back lahat sa akin; yung Comm I days, nung debut, yung stay-over tayo sa bahay ng blockmate natin. Pati yung araw na nagtapat ako sa labas ng RH-301 saka nung debut nung twins. Nung Valentine’s Day sa labas ng Organic Lab. Pati nga yung tawa mong ewan pag may nagjo-joke naalala ko din. Lahat ng isang taon at mahigit ko nang kinakalimutan bumalik sa akin. Lahat ng tungkol sa’yo naalala ko bigla.

Gusto ko sanang tumagal pa ng konti ang tingin mo sa’kin pero naramdaman ko ang sarili kong yumuko at kumawala sa mga titig mo, dahil alam ko namang hindi para sa akin ‘yun. Alam ko dahil sinabi mo sa’kin na siya ang mahal mo. February 26 yun di ba? Madaling araw sa text message. Sinabi mong hindi “ako”. Nung araw na yun nagalit ako sa mundo. Masakit tanggapin na hindi ako ang lalakeng maghahatid sa’yo pauwi at ang taong hahawak sa’yo pag maglalakad tayo. Hindi na’ko pwedeng tumawa sa mga jokes mo o kiligin man lang sa mga text messages. Masakit tanggapin na hindi ako ang makakapagpaligaya sa’yo. Higit sa lahat masakit tanggapin na hindi na pwedeng ibalik ang dati. May lamat na. Masayado nang late para magsisihan o manghinayang at masyado nang komplikado. Mula noon tinanim ko na sa kukote ko na hindi para sa akin ang mga titig mo. Hindi akin. Umiiwas na ko sa mga titig mo dahil mararamdaman ko nanaman yung lungkot saka yung sakit na pinipilit kong hindi na maramdaman. Pagtapos ng sampung segundong yun nagpatuloy na ako sa paglalakad dahil nangako ako sa sarili ko, na magpapatuloy ang lahat, kahit anong mangyari, kahit wala ka at walang “tayo”.

Palabas na kami ng gate ng may biglang tumawag sa pangalan ko, at parang boses mo ata yun. Imposible. Baka nag-iilusyon nanaman ako o gutom lang o kaya ibang tao ang tinatawag, kaya nagpatuloy na ako sa paglalakad. Pero alam kong boses mo ‘yun at tinawag mo ulit ang pangalan ko. Nagulat ako at pinilit kong lingunin kung sino man yung tumawag sa’kin with the hopes na sana ikaw nga ‘yun. Ikaw nga!

Parang ang layo mo. Paglingon ko nakita kitang nakatayo sa gitna ng pagkarami-raming tao at katabi mo siya at umiiyak ka. Magsasalita na sana ako at tatanunging “bakit?’ pero bago ko pa man maibuka ang bibig ko tumakbo ka sa direksyon ko. Tumatakbo ka papunta sa akin. Hindi ako nakagalaw. Kinabahan ako pero iba ang kabog ng dibdib ko, parang excited. Tapos bigla akong nainis sa’yo at nalungkot. Hindi ko maiksplika. Basta. Akala ko lalapitan mo na ko nang bigla kang tumigil sa gitna, humihingal. Nagtataka ako kung bakit mo biglang ginawa ang bagay yun at bakit ka umiiyak? Pinaiyak ka ba niya? Ine-expect mo ba na pupunusan ko ang luha mo like before at i-cocomfort ka? Pero nandyan na siya di ba? Siya na ang gumagawa nun dahil trabaho na niya yun di ba? Masyado nang komplikado.

Habang nakatayo tayo mga dalawang dipa mula sa isa’t isa finally natanong na kita at nasabing “bakit?”, hindi sa tonong galit, hindi mabilis ang pagkakasabi at hindi rin paawa ang dating. Pinilit kong huwag lagyan ng feelings ang mga katagang ‘yun dahil ayoko nang umasa. Isang taon at mahigit na kong umaasa na sana ma-realize mo din ang lahat pero natuto na kong huwag nang asamin ang mga bagay na hindi naman talaga mangyayari. Pagkasabi ko ng mga salitang ‘yun bigla kang tumakbo ka at niyakap ako. Niyakap mo ko. Nilagay mo ang ulo mo sa dibdib ko at nakakapit ang dalawa mong braso sa may balikat ko. Parang tumigil lahat ng tao at bumilis ang ikot ng mga bagay sa paligid ko. Tapos biglang tumahimik at pakiramdam ko parang tayo lang ulit ang tao sa mundo. Hinhintay kong may sabihin ka pero naisip ko na hindi mo na kinailangang magsalita. Basta nandun ka at nandun ako.

Nakatayo ako dun at hindi alam kung ano ang gagawin dahil nablanko na ang isip ko at di ko alam kung saan magsisimula kaya tinaas ko na lang ang magkabilang kamay ko sa gilid at niyakap din kita. Mas mahigpit pa sa mga yakap mo. Niyuko ko ang ulo ko sa balikat mo. Ang gaan ng pakiramdam. Ang tagal kong hinintay ‘to. Isang taon at mahigit na rin akong nagtitiis. Finally.

Sa inis ko sa ‘yo bigla kong nasabi “bakit ngayon ka lang ha? Ang tagal din kitang hinintay!!!” Pero kahit ano pa mang tindi ng galit ko sa’yo naramdaman ko na lang ang sarili kong umiiyak sa balikat mo. Bumulong ka sa’kin at sabi mo “Andito na’ko. Hindi na kita ulit iiwan.” Ang daming kong tanong at ang dami kong gustong marinig sa’yo pero naisip ko na nasabi mo na pala lahat ng kailanagan kong marinig. Sa konting salitang ‘yun naramdaman ko ulit ang kaseguriduhang hinanap ko. Kaseguraduhang isang taon at mahigit ko naring hinahanap. Nanatili tayong magkayakap. Matagal. Nakatingin na nga sa’tin lahat ng tao pero wala akong pakialam. Corny man o ewan wala akong paki. Basta nandun ka at ako. Basta nandito ka na sa tabi ko at sabi mo hindi mo na ko iiwan.


Febraury 26, 2010
NOTE: matagal na to. sobra. OK na kami ni girl. OK na din kami ni guy. naisip ko lang i-post dahil it's been 6 years since that date 2/26/04.

Stranded

March 26, 2006


In two days I will be having two final examinations (one is pre-final actually) on two of my major subjects this semester. I know I should not procrastinate and should hit the books to shun another possible 5.00 in my transcripts. Yet amidst possible reaction mechanisms and official ID tests I find myself lost.

Everyday I fight the desparation and the feeling of being lost and empty, stranded into the quicksand that is my course. I remember a question thrown to me by my friend once: “Nagsisi ka ba sa school mo?” I answered a quick “no”. But the follow-up question was a lot tougher: “Eh sa course mo?” and I found myself silent looking for a straight answer which I for one have been struggling to find since day one.

I always wanted to take up medicine and become a doctor. Ever since I found out the thrills of the human body during my biology course in high school, I knew what I wanted. And having the opportunity to enter UP I hung on to that dream. My first choice of course was Nursing and second was Bio in Manila, both as pre-med courses yet unfortunately I was not able to reach the quota of both. I still qualified for UPM though it was on DPWS (Degree Program With available Slots). Never giving up on my dream of one day donning a white laboratory gown and a stethoscope I chose a course that is closest to med. I knew I had the option of attending other schools but due to financial reasons (and the “prestige”) I continued and took BS Pharmacy, which I know (and some people say) one of the best pre-med courses.

I was clueless I know. I was never the “man of chem” during high school so imagine my shock when I was “supersaturated” with facts about atoms and covalent bondings, about stock solutions and other chemistry facts that my brain refused to accept. Add to these the horrors of math courses; x’s and y’s and the graph of a parabola. Little did I know that my course was actually a combination of chemistry and math, two subjects that weren’t high on my forte list. I suddenly began to hate the mess that I got myself into. That hate turned into inevitable 5.00’s, academic delinquency and a trip or two to the college secretary’s office. In my freshman year I nearly got kicked out of my college. I was depressed most of the time. Everyday I felt inferior to my blockmates who easily aced their chemistry and pharm exams.

I began to question myself and my intellectual capacity. Oftentimes I would ask myself “What am I doing here? I don’t belong here…” out of frustration. The dream of becoming a doctor was too far away. I was making up excuses for my poor academic performance, that chem or math is really not for me, or that my house was too far away or that I have too many household chores to do or I’m just plain lazy. Oftentimes words from my parents or from other people did not help either. I was slandered with false concerns about my poor performance and questions when I'll graduate. So this is how it feels, to be branded as "bobo".

They say you got to love what you’re doing in order for you to succeed. But what do I love? Certainly not math or chem. I loved biology but too bad I didn’t the reach the quota. Why not transfer to bio? Simple. My grades wouldn’t let me. I know I’m not the only one feeling stranded in this course.

The Aftermath of a PharmChem Exam

I realized after boarding a Quiapo-Dimasalang jeepney on my way home that doomsday was about to come and the gray clouds are on their way. With past experiences of haggard pharmaceutical chemistry exams I should have been used to it, yet I don’t know why this particular laboratory exam gave me unfathomable depression. Maybe I knew that it was useless and I am fighting a losing battle, surrender now and spare myself from a lot of anguish and regrets.


Last Saturday was my 2nd lab exam on a major subject. I did READ my notes and actually tried to study. The temptation of sleep and TV was too strong for me to resist (spare me the lecture I’m only human). Despite the less study time I was actually sure I could pass the test.

After giving the instructor my paper I heard my lumbar vertebra give a clacking sound, as if I just woke up early in the morning yawning, and stretching every inch of my 5’8 stature. While walking with a couple of friends to unwind I felt a throbbing pain in my temples. The aftermath of an exam, I know. If this was an ordinary exam I could have easily laughed the physical pain away or indulged myself to the carnal pleasures of videoke in g-box or re-affirmed my gluttonous nature. I could have just talked to my friends who also took the exam and compare answers, laugh at my mistakes or blank answers or curse the instructors for being successful in making my day miserable. But on this particular exam I was silent and so were my friends. We just walked aimlessly at the mall with small attempts at a conversation every now and then just to make sure that everybody was still breathing. Just weeks before I received the lowest of the low scores among my major exams, a 16%, though I didn’t feel a thing since there were only two people among hundreds of us who were taking the subject who passed (they got 99% and 80 something % mind you). But this exam was different. I just didn’t know why. By UP pharmaceutical chemistry standards it was like the usual exams, 1 and half hour duration, 100 % no matching type or multiple-choice whatsoever, cover-to-cover physically exhausting and purely intellectual. Half-way of writing a plausible reaction mechanism for a thiamine-catalyzed acyloin condensation of 2 anisole molecules my mind went blank. I asked myself, what I was doing there, in that exact spot in that room on that hour. Of course my mind quickly answered that I was taking an important examination and that I was wasting precious time thinking of irrelevant not to mention silly things, and so I gathered my remaining sanity and went on to answer the rest of the items. The one and a half hour was up too fast, as usual and you see the person next to you either with a blank stare, dishelved hair, or an unusually wrinkled shirt, then you ask yourself why bother to make yourself look and feel miserable when you know that it all amounts to nothing.

Of course I was being too dramatic because of the horror the exam has just given me but when you stop and think about it, it makes sense. Why bother taking an exam when you know that you’re going to fail that subject anyway? I know I sound like one of the boys of Simple Plan with their sad (suicidal) lyrics but there are at least some truth to what I just said. A strong warrior knows when to cry for battle and when to retreat when he knows he is defeated. I was defeated. I was defeated by a 6-page exam. I was defeated by my professors. I was defeated by myself.


The anisole molecule